Birth Experience Vs. Expectations Counselling

The reality of the birth didn’t match your expectations

You had it all planned, down to the music,, what your partner would be doing and how calm you’d be – but it didn’t happen like that. Your original birth plan had to change: now you feel all sorts of stuff that you’d rather not say because it’s not what you think you ‘should’ be feeling, thinking or experiencing. 

Everyone’s telling you how grateful you should be, yet that doesn’t change the loss of control you experienced. Perhaps you even feel like a ‘failure’ because you didn’t perform the role you ‘should’ have done as a mother. 

Emotions such as grief and intense anger may be interfering with your relationships with your partner and your child: if these aren’t dealt with they could be precursor to postnatal depression. It’s time to reach out for help now. Let’s talk before it breaks.

The doctor you wanted wasn’t available

They listened to you, reassured you and were there for all your pregnancy milestones, but when the big moment came they weren’t available..Whatever the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that you had built your trust and faith in this one medical expert for the birth, but when it came to the crucial moment they weren’t there for you. 

You may or may not accept the reason why, but you feel let down and unsupported right from the beginning of your baby’s life. These feelings may be affecting your relationships with your partner and your support network. Let’s talk before it breaks.

You were unprepared

If you’re the mother, the birth experience may have been nothing like you thought it would be. It wasn’t like all the books said or like you’d seen on TV. It may have been traumatic and you’re still not over it, no matter how hard you try to move on. You already feel as if you are alone, and now all the what-ifs, could-haves, should-haves and shouldn’t-haves are kicking around in your head.

If you’re the father, you may have experienced feelings of incompetence as you watched your partner in pain and physical trauma during the birth, and there was nothing you could do to fix the situation. Everything now seems to be all about the mother and baby and how they’re doing; you may be starting your parenting life feeling as if you are going unnoticed, while you’re still quietly suffering from the shock of the delivery. You may also be feeling excluded and confused about where you fit in with the arrival of the new baby and the change in the relationship dynamics.

Whether you’re the mother or the father, the birth experience can leave scars inside as well as out that can affect your relationship going forward. Let’s talk before it breaks.

You felt cheated of the birth you wanted to have

Whether you passionately wanted a natural birth but you ended up in hospital due to complications and had to have an emergency C-section, or scheduled a C-section and the baby came early so you had to go through the experience of a natural birth when you hadn’t prepared for it. 

Whatever your birth experience, you had nearly nine months to build up the picture of what you wanted, and at the end of the day those dreams were shattered. Your experience may evoke many feelings and could possibly be the cause of anxiety, stress and postnatal depression. 

All of these can have negative impacts on your relationship and need attention immediately. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Disappointment at having a C-Section

You’d read and done everything you could to prepare for a natural birth, but for reasons beyond your control the baby had to be delivered by C-section. Perhaps you’re feeling devastated as your dreams of the ‘ideal’ delivery have been crushed, or you feel you have failed at the most natural thing a woman is made to do.
If you’re the new father, you may now be confused. 

On one hand mum and bub are alive and well, yet on the other hand your partner isn’t dealing well with the fact that she couldn’t give birth the way she had envisioned. There are so many emotions flying around, the woman you love is now struggling, and you’re at a loss as to how to support her. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Baby bonding isn’t happening

You thought that as soon as you saw your baby you’d fall madly in love – that all those primal urges and emotions create a magical, lifelong bond. Instead, it feels as if you have given birth to an alien that cries nonstop, is never calm and cannot be soothed. 

Deep down you are filled with love and a desire to look after this baby, yet there’s a part of you that wants to be back at work or some place where you feel in control. You may be feeling guilty, ashamed or concerned about the repercussions of disclosing these negative feelings and uncertainties. The father may also be having mixed feelings towards the baby and the whole experience of parenthood unfolding before him. 

This is a time when all relationships are vulnerable – and a time when it’s most important to get things out in the open. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Breastfeeding challenges

Your boobs are chewed and battered. Your baby is hungry. The information from the professionals is conflicting, experts have watched your attempts to breastfeed, and yet it’s still not working. You’ve seen the images of buxom mothers breastfeeding with no problems and yet for some reason it’s not working for you. 

You feel like a failure because you can’t give your baby what everyone’s touting as ‘the best nutrition possible’. The pressure is enormous and the personal impact devastating. Even if you decide to move to formula, then you find yourself stressing about what that will do to your baby. Why does it feel as if you can’t get any bit of this process right? Let’s talk before it breaks.

Dealing with family

Relatives can be a blessing and a burden – sometimes both at once. They bring their own expectations and experiences that can help and hinder through actions, suggestions, knowing glances, gestures and so much more. You are trying to navigate your own world that’s just changed from two to three, yet others are giving you unasked-for advice. 

You know everyone wants to help, but you also know they sometimes have their own agendas. How do you deal with that and keep your relationship with your partner solid? You need to come together as a couple and develop strategies to help you become resilient to the family and their ‘care’. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Partner left before birth

It all got too much for the father-to-be (for a variety of reasons) and he left before the baby was born. You’ve gone through the birth and have now come out the other side with a beautiful baby but no support, and you’re feeling devastated that your relationship is over. For some women, this could be a blessing, and that’s okay. 

For many women, your partner leaving at this sensitive time of your life, while you’re lying there with a dependent newborn in your arms, is an overwhelming and confronting experience. You’re consumed by loneliness yet you’re trying to keep it together for the sake of your new baby. The reality is that there will almost always be some connection between you and the father where your child is concerned. 

So even though it may feel as if you have gone from two to three and back to two again, you will actually still be three but in a different form. But how do you find ways to maintain the relationship for the sake of your child? Let’s talk before it breaks.

All your pre-birth preparation doesn’t match the end result

You didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, avoided all the ‘bad’ and ‘risky’ foods, lightly exercised and completely behaved yourself. It seems as if you’ve deprived yourself of so much for so long all in the name of a healthy baby. 

Yet now that’s all done… your baby isn’t ‘perfect’. You think it’s your fault. Where do you go with that? How is your relationship going to survive if you don’t start talking about it now? Let’s talk before it breaks.

You were injured through childbirth

Sometimes a delivery doesn’t go to plan and the mum sustains an injury. Unfortunately, that injury isn’t like a sprained ankle or broken arm but is in a far more personal place – one that’s connected to a lot of emotion and issues of identity. Some new mothers may also have other injuries or complications that will change them from the woman who entered the hospital before the baby was born. 

How do you both deal with that as partners? How does an injury or change in the mother’s body impact on your relationship? What does it mean for you and the baby if the mother can’t be the primary carer? You have entered a totally new world and you need to work out how to support each other and your child so you can move forward. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Your baby has a health condition that keeps them in hospital

All those fears you had about having a baby pale into insignificance when your baby is whisked into the neonatal unit, put in a perspex box full of harsh lights and you’re not allowed to even touch them. The stress, worry and anguish that come with this are almost unbearable. 

You’re both brand-new parents and this additional trauma is a great deal for your relationship to bear. How do you stay strong together and deal with all the emotions, thoughts and concerns you’re going through? You need support, emotional release and many other things to get you through this tough time. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Your baby died in childbirth

Without question, this is the worst nightmare for any parent. If you are reading this and it has happened to you, my heart goes out to you during this dark and terrible time. You may not believe it right now but things will get better in time, and there are steps you can take even now to help you deal with the loss of your child and reduce your vulnerability to postnatal depression and anxiety. 

In this most difficult of times, the strain on your relationship could be destructive so it is important to take a positive step together. The sooner you get support – not just immediately after this tragic event, but also for several months following – the sooner you can both begin to heal. Let’s talk before it breaks.