Bringing Baby Home Counselling

Post-natal depression (PND)

Postnatal depression (PND) is a condition that affects one in seven new mothers and one in ten new fathers. Some of the symptoms you may experience are low self-esteem, lack of confidence, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, changes in appetite or weight, difficulty in sleeping – either over-sleepiness or insomnia – restlessness or agitation or conversely a lack of energy, an inability to concentrate or indecisiveness over a period of two weeks or more. It’s possible that you may even have thoughts of death, suicide or harming the baby. Your symptoms may be severe enough to interfere with your ability to function in daily life.

Postnatal depression is different from the ‘baby blues’. Baby blues affect 60–70% of women and are a common response to the huge, life-changing event of having a baby. The term refers to a brief period that usually begins three to five days after giving birth and generally resolves in a week or two. Baby blues shouldn’t affect your ability to care for your baby, but we can support you through this period if needed, as severe baby blues can be a precursor to PND.

Postnatal depression can also have a significant impact on fathers, who may be experiencing their own anxieties and depression independent of the way their partner is feeling. As a new father, you feel as if you have lost your wife, lover and confidante, and are now completely out of place and alone. Perhaps you hadn’t realised the extent to which the baby would change your relationship, and are now irritated and confused. Other issues may have arisen, such as a traumatic birth. As a result, you may be feeling traumatised, overlooked and even excluded. You may be sleep-deprived as you try to stagger your way through the day, while you experience a sense of being overwhelmed by your responsibilities, both emotional and financial (especially if you are the family’s sole provider). Some fathers may start engaging in risk-taking behaviour including using alcohol or drugs to help ease these symptoms.

Unrecognised depression and anxiety can lead to serious relationship dysfunction. If either of you suspects you may be suffering from postnatal depression, early intervention and emotional support help to speed up the recovery process so you can restore to good health and start enjoying life, your baby and your relationship. Let’s talk before it breaks.

New routines

When you’re dealing with a newborn, most of your established routines go out of the window – especially sleeping at night. Sleep deprivation shouldn’t be underestimated: it causes all sorts of brain malfunctions and lifestyle disruptions, and suddenly you and your partner can feel as if you are living on different planets and talking different languages. There are ways of staying connected that can help you during these confronting times. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Loneliness and isolation

One of the biggest changes you and/or your partner face as new parents is the great shift from being in control of your life, with an established identity as a working person and an individual, to suddenly becoming the mother or father of a baby with constant demands and unpredictable behaviour. When it comes to handling the current situation you feel alone, unprepared and unskilled. 

There’s limited social interaction right now, and this can be a very challenging time for you as you grieve for the loss of your old life. This is not an easy time, and can be exacerbated when your baby is sick with reflux, colic or something else that causes them to be constantly crying and unsettled. This is impacting on your sense of self and on your relationship with your partner. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Sick baby, colic or reflux, or difficult to settle

You have a screaming, crying or vomiting baby and you can’t make them stop. You don’t know what’s wrong: you’ve already visited the doctor, consulted books and specialists, and even herbal experts to no avail. You’re feeling lost as to what to do next, and sleep deprivation isn’t helping! 

You may feel guilty because you feel like you’re doing something wrong, overwhelmed, desperate, exhausted and emotionally drained. Your relationship is on fragile ground, and a lack of sleep puts you at risk of possible postnatal depression. Support is vital during this trying time. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Routine changes

Just when you’ve put the chart on the wall announcing your baby’s routine and you both accept it, the whole thing changes! Nothing is working and you can easily end up blaming each other. However, the only routine with a young child is constant change: in the first three years of a child’s life, the routine keeps shifting and you need to work together to identify the changes as they are coming.

Communication channels need to be open; and you may need new strategies or simply a safe framework in which to have a constructive conversation about your concerns and frustrations. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Accommodating the 3rd person

After the birth of a baby, your life as a couple is the same again. These days, everything is all about the baby, and many of your pre-baby activities will go by the wayside – or have been dramatically altered or cut short because of the baby.

You may struggle with the notion of what you can and can’t handle when venturing out with your baby, packing your car boot with everything your baby might possibly need simply to go and buy a takeaway coffee. You probably miss your ‘old life’ and there is a sense of sadness and resentment that affects the way you communicate with each other. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Space challenges

No matter how spacious your home is, it always gets significantly smaller when a baby arrives! Your home may be getting turned upside down by new pieces of furniture, toys and clothes – not to mention the need to baby-proof your home, especially when the little one starts crawling or walking.

It may be becoming clear that you need a bigger home – especially if you plan to further extend your family – but money may be tight and you are concerned that you don’t have enough funds to buy what you want and need for the new baby, let alone buy a house. The disruption to your home environment and financial pressures around property can cause anxiety and stress in your relationship. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Fear of seeking advice

You’ve read everything about parenting and it’s still not working, but neither of you wants to ask for help. If your partner suggests you get help, it feels as if they’re saying you can’t cope. If you suggest they get help, they think you’re saying they’re not doing their job properly. 

Sometimes it’s not even about the asking – it’s about the cost. Some experts are expensive, and cash flow may be an issue. Whatever the reason for not seeking advice, you both need to deal with it as a team and focus on the bigger picture. How do you do that without offending the other, or feeling judged or criticised? Let’s talk before it breaks.

Lack of sexual intimacy

Before the baby, and even during pregnancy, fun, loving sex was available anytime you wanted. It was sex that made your baby, yet now that same baby doesn’t allow you to have sex any more. If you’re the mother, the physical changes, together with the experience of breastfeeding, may leave you feeling fat, bloated and not sexy at all. 

If you’re the father, you may be feeling completely lost as your partner’s body is very different; what once worked to turn her on does nothing now or she’s simply not interested like she was before. None of this is helpful for healthy, intimate lovemaking. Sex is part of your communication as a couple, and if that’s not happening then one or both of you will be experiencing many thoughts, feelings and emotions that need to be addressed. Let’s talk before it breaks.

Altered social relationships with friends

Your friends may not have had babies yet, or they may be at a different stage of parenting – either way, you’re out of sync with one another’s lives and you’re losing touch with each other. 

You may no longer be working and surrounded by like-minded people – it might feel like it’s just you and the baby, and maybe one or two others these days. Your whole world has changed and shrunk, and this can be difficult to adjust to. Social and emotional isolation can cause other problems, not to mention putting incredible stress on your relationship. Let’s talk before it breaks.