“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.” – Rumi
A very common pattern that I see couples discuss in my counselling room, is the need for one or sometimes both partners to be right. It’s often over something very minor to begin with, but can quickly escalate into a common pattern of relating. This desire to always be right, win every argument, or have the final say in a conversation, can be disastrous for the harmony of your relationship. You see if you are always “right” then that makes your partner “wrong” by default. This pattern is a form of power play, where one partner is put down and made to feel wrong.
The issue with a right-wrong pattern is that it breaks down connection and harmony in your relationship. It creates an adversarial relationship rather than an intimate relationship. In order to develop intimacy, you need to let go of your defences and weapons and allow yourself to be vulnerable. This may be unconscious on your part, and you may be unaware of the negative impact your need to be right is having on your relationship.
Some of the negative outcomes of the right-wrong pattern:
- It kills love and affinity between you both
- The “wrong” partner feels inadequate, inferior or rejected
- The “right” partner is never truly vulnerable
- You may both find it hard to trust
- One or both of you begin to feel lonely in the relationship and consider leaving.
When you find yourself wanting to be right, try to catch yourself and take a breath. Ask yourself, do you want to be right more than you want a loving relationship? If you want more love and affinity, try to be on your partner’s side. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but try to see things from their perspective. Look for the common ground and release the need to compete with your partner. You are a team, not enemies after all!
You may find that when you release the need to be right, your relationship changes for the better. You may both open up more about what’s really going on, and you may learn more about each other’s deepest thoughts and feelings. When you listen to each other with generosity, rather than listening to be right or score points, you will experience greater intimacy and connection.
Does that sound like the sort of relationship you long for? Then I can help you and your partner create greater intimacy and connection. Contact me now to find out how I can help you release unhelpful patterns in communication and create a wonderful, supportive relationship. Let’s talk before it breaks.