Hi, it’s Ginny Lindsay from Two to Three Relationship Counselling and just wanted to talk to you today about turning towards instead of away, and what does that look like and what does that mean.
So people often put out what we call bids for connection, and that might be where I’m reading a book and I just suddenly go, “Oh, really?” And what I’m after is that is a bid for connection for my partner to sort of go, “Oh, is something interesting that you’re reading?” Or it might be that I am looking out the window at the moment, I go, “Oh my God, look at the size of that crane.” And that also is, I’m wanting somebody to acknowledge it.
So my partner at that point has three options. One that they actually pick it up and go, “Oh my God, look at the size that. It’s huge.” The second one is, “You know I don’t have time now.” And that’s a pure rejection. And the third one is they just ignore you.
Now, the second two are not good. Because usually what happens is, particularly with the second one where they say, “You know I haven’t got time to do that now,” or whatever their verbal response is, you’re getting a verbal response of rejection. That one is going to make you feel that you don’t matter, that he doesn’t care, and the real feeling of rejection. The other one where you feel ignored is also a form of rejection, and that’s just not good either.
So usually when we get the one where we are ignored, the person will then actually try again. So I might try again and put out another bid. And if that bid is still not picked up, then that’s where resentment comes in. Because at the end of the day, when I’m actually putting a bid out for connection, I’m wanting to be seen, I’m wanting to be acknowledged, and your response is actually going to show that I matter, that you care, and that you are interested in me.
And so what we’re trying to always do is build up that love tank between the two of you, to always have that friendship system as we talk about, being thick and strong. So when someone’s putting out a bid for connection, I encourage you to turn towards it. And even if it looks like I’m putting out a bid for connection right now, and I’m saying something that I’m interested in, and I’m going to use the crane analogy again, which is look at that crane, if my partner is busy at that time, what I would encourage that partner to do is to look at it and go, “Yeah, look at that crane.”
And then if I wanted to carry on the conversation, then that is where my partner might actually need to set a boundary with me and say, “Sweetie, I know that’s really important to you and I know you’d like to talk about it. I’ve just got to finish off doing this and this, but I’m happy to talk about it after that.”
So it’s been picked up, it’s been acknowledged. The middle parties, they’ve now put in their boundary of respecting their space and their need. But they have, then, the part of it that’s important is they’ve said, “Let’s talk about it later,” and set up a time to talk.
Now, I might turn around and say, “Aw, sweetie, I just wanted to share with you, it’s about a crane.” So it doesn’t really matter in this case. But in other cases where it is something that’s important that I am wanting to share of something potentially that I’ve read, then that’s where it is important for them to say, “I can hear this is important to you. I need to just finish off this. Or I’ll be free in half an hour, and can we talk about it then?” And then we set up a time.
Now I’m going to feel heard, I’m going to feel validated, considered that I matter, and I’m important enough that they are going to then come back to it. And that’s important because then I’m not going to hold any resentments. But at the same time, the other person has also put forward their boundaries about when it suits them.
So that is a little bit about bids for connection. They are really, really important in a relationship, in feeding the friendship system, and to stop the resentments coming in, but actually feeling acknowledged and validated. Hope you found this helpful. But also what a beautiful day and I hope you’re all out there enjoying. And have a wonderful weekend.