Love languages are a relationship concept that was developed by Dr Gary Chapman in his 1992 nonfiction book ‘The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.’ In his book, Dr. Chapman defines the 5 love languages as words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and giving gifts. Since the term was originally coined, the Five Love Languages have been widely used to help couples define how to support and care for each other. However, as the concept of love languages become more popular there have been several misunderstandings about how knowing you and your partner’s love language benefits the relationship, the definition of each love language, and how they apply to relationships.
The following are the definitions of the 5 love languages and common misconceptions about each language.
What Are The Five Love Languages?
The 5 love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation: Words of affirmation are a love language where you consistently share words with your partner about their positive traits, how you care about them, and validate their feelings.
- Quality Time: Quality time is a love language where you show your care for your partner by setting aside a period to emotionally and mentally engage with your partner.
- Acts Of Service: Acts of service is a love language where you or your partner show affection by performing helpful actions, such as doing house chores or cooking a meal.
- Physical Touch: Physical touch is a love language where you express affection through physical contact, such as hugging or kissing.
- Giving Gifts: giving gifts is a love language where affection and care are expressed through giving thoughtful and personal gifts to your loved ones.
When thinking about your love language consider: How exactly do you express to others exactly what your way of receiving love is? When you think of showing someone you care about them, what form does that take?
The Most Common Misunderstanding About Love languages
Common misconceptions about love languages often share the same source of not validating or discussing your preferred love language with your partner. Misunderstandings can spring from one partner attempting to only live out of their own love language without acknowledging or being aware of their partners. This can result in partners telling their loved ones ‘You need to love me the way I feel it’, without acknowledging or discussing the greater differences in your styles of affection, resulting in resentment and conflict.
With all love languages, the point of identifying your love language isn’t just to demonstrate how you or your partner expresses your love and care, they are also a sign of how you prefer to receive it. Identifying you and your partners’ love languages is simply the first step to a greater level of interaction between you. Still, for greater understanding and development of the relationship, you must meet each other’s love language with genuine engagement and understanding of why you or your partner express themselves through this love language, and to work off of your own communication and not common assumptions and misunderstandings.
- Common Misunderstandings About Words of Affirmation:
Common misunderstandings about words of affirmation include a belief that the words must be spoken or are only valid in person, or that one party just communicating words of affirmation is enough, the other party doesn’t need to show gratitude or a positive reaction. For someone who values affirmations, any form of positive and appreciative communication can satisfy them, or help them satisfy their desire to show affection. These include written notes, text messages, or love letters.
- Common Misunderstandings About Quality Time:
Common misunderstandings about quality time is that being present satisfies a partner who values this love language. Quality time means more than simply being there, it means emotionally connecting with the person you care about, not being physically close but remaining distant and mentally absent as you interact with them.
- Common Misunderstandings About Gift Giving:
A common misconception about gift giving as a love language is a belief there doesn’t have to be effort or a personal aspect to the gift on the part of the giver or the receiver. Gift giving as a love language is an opportunity to show personal care based on a partner’s love and interests and to validate who they are as a person through small but meaningful presents.
- Common Misunderstandings About Acts Of Service:
A person who expresses their love language through acts of service can be mistaken as only wanting to serve or act for their partner, instead of equally wanting to receive acts of service and effort in return. Additionally, Ignoring or not showing a level of appreciation for the service may result in building resentment or feeling unappreciated. Acts of service are a love language that needs clear communication and boundaries between couples to establish comfort levels.
- Common Misunderstandings About Physical Touch:
Common misconceptions about touch include the belief that touch is only about carnal intimacy and that smaller but constant and intentional touches will not satisfy someone who needs touch for their love language. Someone who gives or wants touch as a love language wants a physical connection to their partner through touch, even if it is as simple as an arm around their shoulder or a quick touch while passing each other. As a love language, touch especially requires more clarity in communication and open conversations to be clear and open boundaries and which actions are acceptable at what time, especially in new relationships.
Love Languages and Relationships
By understanding your love language you can enrich your relationship and help you and your partner define what your values are to each other and understand what actions are done for love and affection, and what may have been an action of appeasement that could ultimately blossom into resentment and create a barrier in your relationship.
While it is important to recognise your own love language, it is vital that you understand and validate your partner’s love language as well, as some love languages may be out of your comfort zone, and communicating this to your partner before negative emotions can blossom from the misunderstanding is important for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
By learning how to acknowledge and navigate each other’s love language to ensure you are both heard, your needs are met and your method of showing affection is validated, you can avoid unnecessary conflict in your relationships and develop an even deeper understanding of your partner and how much you mean to each other.
Professional Couples Therapy
Do you believe you and your partner should make room for a discussion about your relationship? With professional counselling you can recognise and validate you and your partner’s love language and have a meaningful discussion on your styles of affection in a safe space with a knowledgeable expert.
For more information on marriage and relationship counselling, visit From 2 to 3.
